Do you really know how to love your partner?
If you’re anything like the team at JWP, you’ll agree that real, thoughtful communication is the solution to many of the big problems we face in relationships. We can all agree that, whether we like it or not, communication is the key to long-lasting relationships.
But that’s not the end of the story. Communication is not a one-size-fits-all solution: there are not short-cuts to real, honest empathy. To understand your loved ones fully, you need to learn how they communicate and what their words and actions actually mean. You need to learn their love language.
According to Dr Gary Chapman - marriage-counsellor-turned-author who has revolutionized the self-help landscape - someone’s love language describes the communication methods that they can most easily understand and respond to (Chapman, 2013). In other words: speaking someone’s specific love language is the most effective way to make someone feel heard, understood, and loved.
Chapman looked at years of field notes from marriage counseling sessions and psychological studies, and found that there are five different love languages:
Words of affirmation. Giving your loved one verbal cues to show that you understand their thoughts and feelings, and reminding them that you love them by telling them!
Acts of service. Doing the chore that you know they hate, or running an errand for them on a busy day, or otherwise giving your time and energy to show that you care.
Physical touch. Not just the fun, sexy stuff: giving small, frequent touches throughout the day to show that you are engaged.
Gifts. Anything and everything from expensive jewelry to fun nick-nacks that made you think of them. The key is thoughtfulness!
Quality time. Uninterrupted and undivided.
Think of a time when you tried your hardest to make someone understand your position, but the message just wasn’t getting through. Were your words falling flat? Did your gift not make things right? Did you strive to change your actions without explicitly saying so? While all of these things are great, you may have been using a love language that your loved one couldn’t take on board. For someone who resonates most with acts of service, words must be backed up by actions. For someone who needs words of affirmation, verbal confirmation of your efforts will make them see the change. In order to communicate in the most effective way possible, you and your loved ones need to know each other’s communication needs.
But how do you know what language to speak? There are a ton of online quizzes to find your love language, but Chapman’s official one can be found on his website at this link. The great thing about the quiz is that it ranks your preferred love languages, so that there is definitely room to compromise and meet everyone’s needs within the relationship.
If you make the effort to communicate in a way that will truly get through to your partner, friend, or loved one, then you can resolve conflicts or get your message of love across much more efficiently. It takes time and energy to learn your partner’s love language: after all, it takes knowing a person’s likes, dislikes, triggers, pet peeves and soft spots, which can amount to months or years of accumulated knowledge.
But the payoff is absolutely worth it. Honest, effective communication is what makes our bonds stronger and more sustainable. And let’s be real -- personality quizzes are fun.
Emma Humphries
JWP Marketing Coordinator