Dating or Capture the Flag?
Sometimes, self-reflection and self-care extends to facing hard truths about the important relationships in our lives. No matter how much we love someone, our need to be loved in return can blind us to the toxic traits that bring negativity to the relationship. Love shouldn’t be a game and that is why it is important to be aware of these five red flags when starting a new dating adventure. In order to maintain a sense of self-worth and mental or emotional wellness, as a single person as well as when in a relationship, it can be helpful to ask ourselves the following questions:
1. Does my partner gaslight me?
This is an important, if relatively new term to describe a specific type of emotional abuse. Gaslighters make their partner doubt their perception of reality in order to create an unequal power dynamic in the relationship. They may project their own faults onto their partner, refuse to acknowledge a partner’s feelings and opinions, or cast doubt on their partner’s friendships and family ties in order to isolate them. They might tell you that you are overreacting or “too sensitive” when you express your emotions. If you begin to feel confused, paranoid, or insecure in your relationship, you may be dating a gaslighter, and there is no shame in getting the hell out of there as soon as you can.
2. Do they put me on a pedestal?
It may seem like the height of romance to be dating someone who constantly reminds you of how perfect you are. But “love bombing” - the practice of overwhelming a partner in unhealthy levels of admiration at the start of a relationship - is a type of manipulation that romanticizes and diminishes someone’s true self. If a partner does not acknowledge and love your flaws and weaknesses, then they may only love an idea of you, and may eventually come to resent your perfectly natural flaws once they come to light later on. Healthy relationships are about respecting each other’s humanity, warts and all.
3. Do they describe previous partners as “crazy?”
Maybe they truly have been unlucky enough to have had five or six toxic, unstable, unhealthy exes. Or, maybe the person you are dating is the common denominator. Look out for signs that your partner is projecting their flaws onto their partners, blaming them unfairly for a relationship failing, or refusing to hold themselves accountable for their own behavior.
4. Do they respect my boundaries?
Physical and sexual boundaries are non-negotiable, and undermining them can be incredibly harmful. But personal boundaries within a relationship are equally important and many times overlooked. Boundaries are individual, nuanced, and vital to creating a sense of self that is not unhealthily dependent on a partner. If your partner does not respect your independence, then that can limit your ability to live your best life outside of the relationship. Balance and boundaries are key!
The list goes on and on: they are not open to adapting, they cannot apologize, they make you feel bad for wanting basic relationship needs, you constantly feel confused about how they feel about you, they are inconsistent, they make you feel bad about your emotions, they justify everything, they always end up turning the conversation around on you.
While these traits can also be present in platonic or family relationships, they can be especially damaging in romantic relationships. Love really is a drug: it is consuming; it distorts our vision of what is healthy or advisable; the instant gratification that comes with being wanted can trap us in bad habits. A key step on our journey to self-love is to value our long-term sense of self-worth over the validation that can come from having a romantic partner. When we love and respect ourselves unconditionally, we can build a relationship based on acceptance, vulnerability, and mutual strength.
Emma Humphries
JWP Marketing Coordinator